


The John Murphy train

by Felicia (Fillerh)



Series: The 100 Tumblr prompts [5]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Murphamy - Freeform, So idk I needed some murphamy fluff, and even though it isn't said outright, but like there's bad thoughts, sorry - Freeform, suicide thoughts are implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 08:05:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6746071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fillerh/pseuds/Felicia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the tumblr prompt:<br/>“I’m always going to need you more than you need me.”<br/>“And that’s okay-”<br/>“No, it’s not! It’s not fair!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The John Murphy train

Murphy was laying in his bed, the top bunk of a small rectangular room. The room he shared with Bellamy. The thought of Bellamy made his stomach drop, and he couldn’t help but to glance over at the door, anxious about when he would return. 

It had been one of those days. One of those days where everything went to shit. He’d been teased during lunch, and some idiots had cornered him at the end of his guard shift. Their malicious voices still rang in his ears.  
_“Everyone would be better off without you.”  
“Why would Bellamy even be with someone as worthless as you?”_

It stung. It really did. He’d been faced with things like this since he arrived at Arkadia, but it was starting to take its toll on him. He wasn’t stupid; he knew that sooner or later Bellamy would realize that he was damaged goods, someone you’d want to execute just to end the suffering. 

He thought about it, sometimes. On really bad days, nothing seemed to be right, and the only one who could pull him back into the land of the living was Bellamy. But Bellamy didn’t need Murphy in the same way Murphy needed him. Bellamy had friends. He had purpose. Even though Clarke was missing, he knew that they’d had a thing before she left. He knew that they were a pretty nice power-couple. He also knew that if she ever were to return Murphy would be alone. No matter how much Bellamy assured him that he wouldn’t leave, he still couldn’t fully believe him.

No one ever stayed. Not even his mother had stayed.

When the door swung open Murphy’s eyes jerked to the opening, spotting Bellamy smiling brightly.  
“Guess what?” he was grinning, completely oblivious to the foul mood Murphy was in.  
“What?”  
“Clarke is back!”

Murphy felt like puking, crying, and snickering at the same time. On one hand, it was expected. They all knew that she’d return sooner or later; it was only a matter of time. On the other, Murphy knew now that Bellamy would leave him. He had expected it. It still didn’t stop the aching he felt, and the way his eyes started to sting.

It took Bellamy a few seconds to figure out what Murphy felt. Once he did he frowned, and with two long steps he’d positioned himself next to Murphy’s bed, head just above the mattress line.  
“What’s wrong?”

Murphy wasn’t one to speak about his feelings. He’d learned long ago that it only led to caring about others, but he couldn’t help but speak when Bellamy was involved.  
“It’s just been a rough day.”  
He hated how his voice cracked at the end, how he sounded _weak_. It was what his mother had called him. _Weak_. 

He’d turned his back to Bellamy, not wanting him to see the tears that had started to roll down his cheeks, not wanting to see the pity in Bellamy’s eyes. He flinched when he felt Bellamy’s hand on his arm, but Bellamy didn’t. He merely gave his arm a squeeze before climbing up the ladder and laying down next to Murphy. Bellamy slung an arm around the smaller boy, and put his cheek on his head.  
“What happened?”

Murphy ignored his question. He had been trying dammit, but it still didn’t work. He turned so that he faced the older man.

“I’m always going to need you more than you need me.”  
“And that’s okay-”  
“No, it’s not! It’s not fair!” Murphy sat up abruptly, angry tears running down his face. “You have other people. You have _everyone_. I have nothing Bellamy. Nothing!”

He was basically screaming the last part, and it was like this dam had broken. He started to sob uncontrollably, too far gone to even care about it.

Something that pissed him off was Bellamy’s reaction. He was so understanding, and there it was, _pity_. He hated when people pitied him.  
“You have me Murphy. I won't leave you.”

The words were spoken softly, and for a split second Murphy thought he'd imagined it.  
“Don't make promises you can't keep.”

He stood up, climbed out of the bed and walked out through the door. Bellamy didn't even try to stop him.

 _Figures. He won't even miss you_. Since Bellamy had told him that Clarke had returned Murphy decided to leave through a small hole in the wall that most were aware of, but no one spoke about. He could hear excited shouting and laughter, and he just _knew_ that no one would miss him. Maybe Bellamy, but he had Clarke.

Murphy walked off into the forest and his feet automatically steered him to the dropship; the place where they'd landed. The place where Bellamy had kissed him for the first time. Near the place where he'd been hung. Where he'd killed two people. 

While he still felt anger when he thought about the two boys, he also felt regret. He should've just beat them up or something. He took someone's life. He couldn't imagine what spacewalker must've felt. He'd killed 18 people. 

Murphy pushed the thought to the back of his head and walked inside the dropship, climbing all the way to the top. There, behind a loose panel he had a secret stash of old whiskey, one of the few things he'd brought back from the bunker. He was happy he'd left it here since the rest of his stuff had been taken by the officials since “the group needed it more”.

He snorted at that. Murphy grabbed the half empty bottle and walked over to the hole he'd blown in the side. It was starting to get colder, but he wouldn't freeze to death if he slept in the open. He didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand he didn't have to worry about getting too drunk and dying because of something stupid, but on the other hand the thought of drifting away while shitfaced didn't sound too bad. 

He took a swig from the bottle, scrunching his face up by the way the liquor burned on the way down. 

A few hours later he heard steps echoing in the dropship. If it was a grounder they could come if they wanted. Everything was blurry around the edges, and the world was slightly tilted. Murphy must've zoomed out because what felt like seconds later he heard a whisper that sounded a lot like “Murphy?”

He knew that he might be imagining it, but he wanted to be on the safe side.  
“Who's asking?” He cringed at the way he slurred the last word, but shrugged it off. He still hadn't turned around, his feet still dangling through the hole and his back towards the entrance. 

“Bellamy.”  
Murphy almost jumped out of the dropship. He hadn't expected Bellamy to come looking for him.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I'm looking for you dumbass.”  
At that Bellamy walked over to Murphy and say down beside him, slinging one arm over his shoulders. Murphy found himself leaning into the warmth that was Bellamy Blake.

“And what are you doing here Murphy?”  
“Drinking. You want some?” He held up the nearly empty bottle of whisky, but Bellamy shook his head. “More for me then,” he muttered and took another swig.

“I think you've had enough Murphy.” Bellamy tried to take the bottle, but Murphy jerked away from him. 

“ _Why_ are you here Bellamy?”  
Bellamy looked like he was about to answer when Murphy interrupted. “Because as far as I can tell there's nothing of value here, nothing worth your time. Don't give me that fucking puppy eye look, you know it's true. You know that deep down you are ashamed of me. Sometimes you want me to disappear. It would be _easier_ that way.”

Murphy did not expect Bellamy to growl and pounce on him, slamming his back to the floor and crushing the bottle.  
“Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare make my emotions invalid. I love you John Murphy, even if you are a little shit who's unbearable at times. And you know what? I hate this. I hate how much you hate yourself.”  
This time Murphy was about to respond, but it was Bellamys time to interrupt.  
“Don't even try.” He slowly lifted himself off Murphy, and extended a hand to him.  
“Come here.”

Murphy threw himself into the arms of Bellamy, feeling the first tear roll and feeling absentmindedly ashamed.  
“I'm sorry bell.”  
“You don't have to apologize. I knew what I signed up for when I jumped on the John Murphy train.”  
“I love you Bellamy.”  
“I love you too John.”

**Author's Note:**

> So like the ending was a bit rushed but I HAVE EMOTIONS DAMMIT.


End file.
